Ask The Fake GM Mailbag #22


The Boom has arrived. Over the past few years, I’ve been drafting and signing bruisers and I told you they were on their way. Well, the time has arrived. I make no apologies about what we are soon to unleash on the rest of the league. Joe Finley has been compared favorably with Paul Bunyon, and everyone knows #thelegendofKassian. We’ve also fast forwarded through the commercials of Brayden McNabb’s minor league career and now it is show time! Look at the boys. Look at that swag. Look, NO TIES!


Why do people accuse me of creating the team in my image when they refer to players like Pommers and Derek (for my looks, I presume), but when I fill the squad with bad-ass MoFo’s, critics cease to make that comparison?! I’ve run with scissors! I’ve gone swimming immediately after eating! I’ve blown my share of yellow lights! I’ve heard people sneeze and have neither blessed them nor said gazuntite! Boom! SABRES HOCKEY!

The thing about youth is that the kids bring so much enthusiasm and electricity into the building. You just hope they maintain their current level of youthful innocence. If I could control it, not only would I make certain Zachary and Brayden read Tiger Beat until they were 30, but also ensure they would actually enjoy doing so.  On the flip side, Derek still reads it but for other reasons.


Here’s Mailbag #22, the Vaive Neck-Roll edition. Why not Ruff, you ask? Ruff didn’t have a neck roll; it’s as simple as that.


@BillyBlue37: When you sent the kids back to the farm, did you say #BOOM?

It depends on who it is, to be honest. I’m sending Zachary an email if that time comes. That’s one bad-ass MoFo.  Sometimes I screw with the players heads. I’ll call in Player A and tell him he’s being sent down unless he goes to notify Player B that he’s the guy being sent to the minors.  You don’t last this long in the business without avoiding confrontation with pissed off hockey players. I would only use #BOOM on softies, like Pommers.


@TheKrausHouse: What kind of dirt does Lindy have on you to avoid being fired all these Cup-less years?

There is a notion that a general manager should be allowed at least two coaching hires before ownership can let him go. I’m still on one. It’s called job security for me, but Lindy benefits.


@cciejourney: Do you need help tossing @AngryLindy under the bus?

I do a pretty good job of it myself, but I can always use the assistance of extra chuckers.  I have a list called “Lindy’s fault” that I refer to when stuff starts hitting the fan. And stuff starts hitting the fan after every single gosh-darn loss with you folks.  Seriously, can you people have some perspective? Every dangum game is treated like Game 7 of the Finals. I am genuinely concerned about the mental health of most of you. And if everyone does have a collective mental breakdown in Buffalo, it’s totally Lindy’s fault.


@JustPlainT: One other question: If cars were women, what model would you drive?

I always thought Twiggy would look good on my arm. Yeah, she’s high mileage but I’ve filled a sock or two thinking about her in the 60’s.


@titoswan: @FakeDarcy @JoeBuffaloWins you disagree? As in we do NOT lack identity? What identity do we have?


Boom! Sabres Hockey! That’s our identity from this day forward.




Tweet of Fame

@greg4watson: @FakeDarcy make the trade or this is coming on Friday!


Two things make me cringe when I see this picture. One, the placard looks like it has been folded into a small enough size to fit into your pocket. Two, the font is the standard “Fire _____” font you see at many sporting events. I have a feeling I will see this sign in person someday. Shame on you!


@dansterlace: @FakeDarcy Ah, that’s the problem. I’ve found #DarcysTradePhone.

@DaveTRW: twas nice harassing you the last yr or so, you will be missed. Don’t let the door hit your behind on the way out. #Sabres #fired

@snypur13: Apparently the Salary Cap is more of a guideline than an actual rule. Kinda like hitting a goalie…Or wearing pants to church…

…or washing your hands before you dip into Sylvester’s nachos…


@SouthBuffSabres: Listenin to yous Sabers fans is disgusten. All yous talk about is how you want Semen. Gross!

@sloheim: BREAKING NEWS: Conehead injured. Random beer vendor called up from Rochester.

@DDay2430: Just tried “Boom. #Sabres hockey!” on the pizza guy. He slapped me in the face and took my cash.

@RachelNoA: @FakeDarcy Knuckle puck