Ask The Fake GM Mailbag #2

Another week has passed and we are creeping ever closer to my big night, the draft! I had a chance to break bread with Terry over the weekend and he wanted me to let everyone know that he’s very excited for the big things that are planned during the offseason. On a side note, you have not lived until you have seen him “hydro-frack” a turkey.  This week’s mailbag:


If they were making a movie of your life, who would you want to play you? Who would you pick to play Lindy? (@LindyRuffsTie via Twitter)


Hey! How’s it hanging Tie? This is a question I have contemplated ever since Game One of the 1999 Stanley Cup Finals finished.  The potential project was put on hold when Brett Hull willfully cheated us out of our glory a few days later.  The youthful version of me definitely would be played by Matt Damon.  Of course, as I aged in the flick, Robert Redford would be cast for the more mature version of me. If it’s a late-night Cinemax movie of my life…then Tom Byron and John Holmes would suffice. Hmmm, Lindy… older Lindy would be played by Hulk Hogan, without the bandana for the full balding effect.  Young Lindy? Emmanuel Lewis.

Will Tim Connolly be placed inside a bubble like Bubble Boys next season? (@Patriciajam via Twitter)

Haha, “Life is an adventure. Don’t blow it”. Connolly would be the third line center on my all Bubble Boy team.  Pat Lafontaine would center my first line, Eric Lindros my second. Other players on the team: Marc Savard, Geoff Courtnall, Scott Stevens, Mike Richter, Adam Deadmarsh, and Petr Svoboda. Buy stock in drool-bibs.


When should we expect Connolly’s new contract? (@realmattevans via Twitter)

July 2. I think we can get a great deal on him. Be honest, if he’s our fourth line center, and only killed penalties, he’d be more than worth it. Haha, made you look! I like drawing paychecks. I think I’ll pass.


OK so here’s a question, didn’t I see you in some soft core porn flicks made in Toronto in the 70s? That mustache looks familiar! (@strbuk via Twitter)

First of all, you and I need to schedule a movie night. I like your taste.  Because of the position I hold in the hockey world currently, I can neither confirm nor deny any past movie performances. But I have to admit, a 1970’s minor league hockey career did not make me a wealthy man.  You “might” see a striking resemblance between an actor and myself in hockey related adult movies such as Two for Roughing, Two for Hooking, Third Man In, Illegal Curve on the Stick, Offsides, Two Line Pass, Dropping the Gloves, Sitting in the Box, and Game Misconduct. I may or may not have had signature moves such as the slapper, wrist-shot, face-off, or the dump and chase. That was quite the weekend in Toronto.


When negotiating Lindy Ruff’s contract, did you have to include @AngryLindy and @LindyRuffsTie? (@donkaczmarek via Twitter)

Negotiating with Lindy is a piece of cake since Terry bought the organization. Lindy wrote down a number, and Terry doubled it.  I haven’t seen @AngryLindy at the negotiation table since last summer when Tom still owned the club.  Lindy walked into the room as Angry Lindy, all red-assed.  And he really hated Tom. Lindy would throw out a price and a number of years, Tom would agree, then Angry Lindy would slam his fist on the table and yell “Not good enough!”

LindyRuffsTie is an entirely different story, a real silky Prima donna.  Its list of demands was ridiculous this time around.  Why a piece of clothing thinks it has as much power at the table as the head coach is a mystery. Nonetheless, it had very little wiggle room. Among the demands:

NO casual Friday (or any day for that matter)

It shall NOT be used as a napkin, ever!

No one in the organization shall ever wear a zipper-tie in its presence (this angered KevinSylvestersTie)

It shall NOT be hung already knotted

At least 35% of it should be visible at all times during games

The Official Stain Remover of the Buffalo Sabres MUST be Shout®

It SHALL be used as a sexual prop at least once a month (I thought this was between it and Lindy but it demanded this demand be included on the contract)

I think you get the point.  The Tie is a celebrity and this is the price we must pay to keep it around.


What really happened with the whole Ted Nolan, Dominik Hasek, John Muckler stuff? (Nick via Email)

Fate, that’s what happened. As I was toiling along on Long Island, these three clowns were screwing up Hockey Heaven.  Luckily for the fans of Buffalo, I swooped in to save the day.  When I got here, I heard that Hasek and Muckler used to ride Nolan pretty hard. I guess they made a lot of derogatory Thanksgiving references; One time, they brought in some blankets with spots on them and told Nolan to give them out to his family.  They also tried to get Teddy to make it rain.  Mucks and Dommers demanded cheap tobacco and feathers from Nolan every Friday. I suppose Nolan had had enough. I cannot confirm this personally, but that’s what I hear.


Are you a natural blonde? (Mary via Email)

Yes sweetie, the carpet matches the curtains.



If you have a question for Fake Darcy, email or on Twitter reply @FakeDarcy