(Photos by @Buffaloobserver)
Alright, you insufferable piece of garbage! Let's get into this since you've been ducking me! No restrictions! No time outs! No holds barred! Spotlight is on you! You are mine!
FD: Relax. You need to get laid, ASAP.
1) What sort of blackmail do you have over Terry Pegula that enables you to keep your job?
FD: Name one mistake I have ever made. Name one thing you would have done differently. Terry wants a GM with experience and luckily for him, he has one of the longest tenured architects in the game. I am building a powerhouse and if you and the “fans” would just give me time, I’ll deliver the Cup….He eats this shit up.
2) What was it like to see Lindy Ruff? Did you guys hug?
FD: Lindy and I have been in contact through texts for awhile. He sends me a lot funny pictures. Are we LinkedIn? No. Facebook? Yes, but only for Candy Crush. There was a single bro-hug, and he really didn’t want to let go, I could sense that.
3) Any regrets on firing him? Set the record straight.
FD: Regret? It was the most exhilarating day of my life. I only wish I could fire five people a day. I’d fire you, the Two in the Box guys, Buffalo Wins Bieber, John Murphy just for the shocked look on his face, Mark Kelso, Bobby Hurley, Section 317, Brian Degnan, about 30 Fake Rolston accounts on Twitter….I need to make a shirt that says I Want To Fire You on the front, and You’ve been shit-canned by Darcy on the back.
4) So, why did you trade Thomas Vanek? Also, how did you break the news to him?
FD: I traded Camel because Garth Snow is an idiot and needed to be exposed. I have another shirt idea; Made a Deal With Darcy And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt. I called Thomas and asked him “Do you know who’s having a worse day than Thad Lewis? YOU! Enjoy Uniondale.”
5) Have you been involved in the construction of the Harbor Center?
FD: I am not good at building things.
6) Can you tell me anything about Matt Moulson?
FD: How about those eyebrows, eh? Looks like the biggest caterpillar you’ve ever seen is doing the dolphin across his forehead. I’m afraid if he and Stafford ever bumped heads we’d never get all that Velcro apart.
7) Your strategy seems to be that you are acquiring as many draft picks as possible. What is the reason for this?
FD: Simple. It takes five years to find out how we’ll be in five years. I am hitting the reset button. It’s called self-preservation, and I have a PhD in it.
8) Do you get input from Kris Baker about prospects? I mean, God knows you are kind of an idiot and need all the help you can get, right?
FD: Yeah, I listen to bloggers. What’s next? Take advice from Bucky? Get outta here.
9) Oh, why are the Sabres a grease fire of awfulness?
FD: Chicken wings are made in grease. French Fries and doughnuts are too, I think. I heard people make turkey in grease and even Snickers! Sometimes you have to put up with a grease fire here and there to get the good stuff. You have to admit, I made a great point.
10) What is going on with Grigorenko and why is he on the 4th line?
FD: Griggers is on the 4th line because we don’t run 8 lines.
11) Alright, I gotta ask you about the John Scott hit. Why have you decided to employ the goons like him and Kaleta?
FD: To keep goons like you and Harrington far away from me. Our fans are really softening. The reaction to Scottsy’s hit from our fans was treasonous. When Big John hoists the Cup twenty feet in the air, he and I will be vindicated.
12) Any truth to the rumor that you are going to fight Mike Milbury?
FD: Remember what I said about Garth Snow? He is an exponentially better GM than Milbury ever was. I don’t need to fight Milbury. Just give him a couple of spoons and some pots and pans and he’ll be occupied for hours. Don’t send him a link to this.
13) Why the hell does Andrew Peters have a job?
FD: You hire fighters knowing you can’t fire fighters. Rayzor barely has command of the English language and his job is as safe as mine. Remember this when Scottsy signs his five year extension.
14) What the hell happened with Pominville not being acknowledged? Were you responsible for this?
FD: For what?!?! For bringing us the worst goal call pun in the history of hockey? We got rid of the Blooper reel. What message does it send if we put up Pommer’s highlights?
15) Why has Tyler Myers, Drew Stafford, Tyler Ennis and pretty much everyone you've given an extension to been awful?
FD: It’s odd. I mean, I got my extension last year and the team responded so well. I really don’t have an answer to this perplexing question, so I’ll blame the media. Their fault completely.
16) What is the latest on Ryan Miller? Is he getting traded?
FD: I might get an airport in trade for Miller. *rubs hands together*
17) Are you worried about the Bucky and Sully Show? I've seen that they have gone head-to-head against the Sabres broadcasts?
FD: HA! That’s like asking if the Bills playoff run will affect our ticket sales! It’s an impossible hypothetical! Ludicrous! Perhaps you should get together with them and put together some reality show. Pudgy Puggle Bucky and Sully! No, not worried.
18) What is your relationship like with Ron Rolston?
FD: Besties. He’s terrific.
19) What is your must see movie in theaters?
FD: “Jason Pominville’s Career Highlights: An NBC Digital Short”
20) What does Ted Black do?
FD: Teaches the media how to properly ask questions and hands out programs.
21) Why did you get rid of Patrick Kaleta?
FD: Because he's been pretty invisible the last few games.
22) Mailbag update? Yeah..I know, it will rise like The Titanic.
FD: Next week, for sure. I don’t have many more pieces to trade that anyone will want so I will have a ton of free time. Look for it.