5) Ray Lewis: I'm with you Joe Flacco..90% of the time I had zero idea what the hell Ray Lewis was talking about when he was praising Jesus and doing his poor man's William Wallace war speeches. Of course, it would totally behoove the suits at ESPN to give this guy a talking head spot at "The world wide leader in trolling" news desk. The guy is already being an egocentric jackass on ESPN by declaring that the Ravens are lacking leaders because he would have stopped some stripper named Sweet Pea (WTF kind of stripper name is that?) from bashing Jacoby Jones with a champagne bottle.
Would Ray have cock blocked Jacoby from the stripper because veterans get first dibs on exotic dancers? Would he have done the stupid Ray Lewis dance to distract her? Does he know how to get away with a crime? Oh, and there happens to be a 650lb gorilla there with Ray being connected to a murder and burning a bloody suit. Yes..leader indeed.
4) Ex-Raven broadcasters: Shannon Sharpe is all sorts of terrible. The way James Brown yells "SHHHHAAAAANONNNN!!" when he tosses it to him to do highlights and how the CBS Sports studio show has more fake laughs than an episode of Full House makes Sharpe as sharp as a tool in my book. Oh, and he just so happens to not be able to talk, which is kind of paramount to have when you are on TV. He sounds like Rocky Balboa after he lost to Apollo Creed at the start of Rocky II. Then you have Brian Billick, who while he's quite a word smith for a former NFL coach, is just oozing with pomposity, yet, he was desperate for an NFL coaching job that he tried politicking his way for the Bills job in 2010 by going the route of the WGRZ website…does anyone even read that website? Did anyone even want to coach the Bills in 2010?
Quadry Ismail is also a talking head on ESPN and I know what you are thinking..why on earth does the Randy Quaid of the Ismail family have a say in hot sports takes? Trent Dilfer is tolerable, but he always seems to be yelling at the TV when he's actually giving out an astute stat. Tone it down, bro. You don't have to be Ray Lewis in the preaching department.
Then there's Deion Sanders who spent two years in Baltimore. I kind of have a sense that he's not really talking football on the NFL Network, but instead, he's sending subliminal messages to viewers that he wants to romance all the women of the world into joining him in a modern day music video for "Must be The Money". He just always sounds like he's trying to pick up chicks when he talks. Hey, I wish I had that mojo.
3) Police blotter: It is one thing when you get like the 52nd man on an NFL roster to get in trouble with the law. We get it..You kind of suck and maybe you don't need to prepare for a game because you are just holding a clipboard, so, why not go and do drugs or get a DWI? However, when you are a star player and you get in trouble with the law for crazy shit, that's when you knew you have a problem. Now, I'm not the type of fan who cares about what players do on their off time. Be there Sunday and play well.
However, when your star players are connected to murder and dealing cocaine? You got some issues.
We already know the issues with Ray, but what about Jamal Lewis? In case you didn't know, J. Lewis was involved in talks about being a front for drug cartel in 2004, a year after he reached 2,000 yards rushing. No..he wasn't buying weed. Instead, he was a part of front to sell Blow! Lewis was charged with conspiring to possess with the intent to distribute five kilograms of cocaine. OK..let's break it down for you..
A) Don't do drugs.
B) Don't do blow.
C) DON'T FUCKEN DEAL COCAINE WHEN YOU ARE ALREADY A MILLIONAIRE OFF YOUR FOOTBALL CAREER?!
Was Lewis channeling Walter White? Did he want his Scarface moment? What is the point?! You only deal drugs if you need money..NOT WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE MONEY! Just dumb. On top of all this, the Ravens have quite the police blotter over the years. DWIs, weed and being pissed off at your flight attendant have made the list. On top of this, Steve McNair got fricken murdered by his girlfriend. What the fuck is wrong with you Baltimore?! When you got strippers hurting football players, that's when I know I can't come to your city to enjoy the Canadian ballet.
2) Stop being so good- 10..that's the number of above .500 seasons the Ravens have had since 2000. Since the merger, the Bills have had 15 seasons above .500 and if you take away the 90s…Oh, boy. Even when the Ravens lose free agents, draft late or have Brian Billick ruins their young QBs' careers, they seem how keep on plugging. They can never do wrong. For crap sakes, they won a SB with Trent Dilfer! Ozzie Newsome is a genius. He just always seems to find the perfect player via the draft or free agency. That franchise doesn't deserve to be so good because of the #1 for suckatude.
1) You stole the Browns- I don't wanna kick dirt on someone's grave, but Art Model is the chief reason why Bills fans will never stop worrying about the team's future. Russ Brandon can come out with all his cliches and the NYS politicians can say they will shut the state down if the Bills move, but I won't believe it until Mark Cuban or Terry Pegula are running the Bills. It is all because of Art/Ravens. They are the only franchise over the last 30 years or so that didn't deserve to lose their team. This isn't the Rams/Raiders leaving LA because no one gave a shit about local football there. It isn't a small market team like Winnipeg losing the Jets because the Canadian dollar was worth as much as Monopoly money or Hartford losing the Canes because they played at a shopping mall. Cleveland is a big market and had sellout after sellout. It was all about the stupid stadium sucking and Art Modell being a complete douche bag.
Not only would it suck to lose your team, but to see them win 2 SBs after leaving town? That's like Jessica Alba dumping you in high school and then you are stuck living in a trailer while having to watch TMZ all day to see how successful she's become. Oh, but don't worry..You see, you have a new girlfriend and it's Amanda Bynes (The New shitty Browns) who the sex Gods (NFL) gave to you after you got fucked over.
Can you even imagine if that happened to the Bills? I'd set myself on fire and throw myself off the roof of Ralph Wilson Stadium and onto a bed of acid soaked nails. This is the main reason why Cleveland sports are much worst than Buffalo sports…God help us if this happens to us.
Now for Twitter's Finest:
@BuffaloWins Ravens have won 2 Super Bowls in 17 years of existence, Bills have been to more Super Bowls w/ 0 wins in 53 years.
— Michael Necci (@Michael_Necci) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins Ray Lewis murdered someone and got away with it
— NZ3 (@NickZelko) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins face of the franchise got away with murder and deer antler spray… but somehow is beloved by all
— Alex Nesselbeck (@Alex_Nesselbeck) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins They whined when the Colts left in '84. Still bitter about it and strictly deny R. Lewis is a Murderer.
— Too Cool (@2C00L4SCH00L) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins check my records, but I THINK magahee trade gave us trent Edwards.
— Sports Rock Gods (@jambrones) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins Joe Flacco.
— Too Cool (@2C00L4SCH00L) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins the Deion sanders pick of Bledsoe Burger King-ized.
— Jeremy White (@JeremyWGR) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins Talk of Kelly un-retiring there. Thought of Jim in purple pants is enough for me.
— Christopher Parker (@Bulldogwgr) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins Ray Lewis killed a guy
— Matt W (@BuffaloSports12) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins Ray Lewis Ray Lewis Ray Lewis Ray Lewis Ray Lewis Ray Lewis Ray Lewis Ray Lewis Ray Lewis Ray Lewis
— Taylor Nigrelli (@Nigrelli93) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins Crabcakes suck.
— Rich Stadium Dreams (@richstaddreams) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins "Derrr…You don't need a great QB to win a Super Bowl!" – Jackass who doesn't get football, thanks to Dilfer.
— Pete Ebert (@PeteEbert_srsly) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins Umm,….there was that thing with Ray Lewis…..? Lol.
— Dave (@billsguy34) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins they abused SweetPea!
— Donny Brandt (@donbrandt) September 26, 2013
@BuffaloWins I have intimate relations with a Steelers fan.
— sba (@essbeeay) September 26, 2013